


Kids Shouldn't Give Their Parents Diarrhea

by arekan, yorozuyas



Category: Gintama
Genre: Alternate Universe, Attempt at Humor, Babysitting, Child!Kagura, Child!Shinpachi, Co-Written, Dadtoki, Family, Fluff, GinHijiGin week, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Bad At Titles, Implied Relationships, Love, M/M, Mild Language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-05-12 10:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5662246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arekan/pseuds/arekan, https://archiveofourown.org/users/yorozuyas/pseuds/yorozuyas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gintoki comes home drunk only to find Kagura and Shinpachi suddenly turn into little kids.</p><p>Written for GinHijiGin week day 6: Family</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kids Shouldn't Give Their Parents Diarrhea

Gintoki’s topsy, turvy as he enters the apartment to the Yorozuya, legs wobbling as he sways himself further into the room. One arm strewn across his stomach and the other on the wall as a means for support, he drawls out the names of his companions.

“Oi Shinpachi, Kagura, where are you?”

Gurgling and incoherent babbling is all Gintoki can make out before a sudden shriek pierces through the room. Two crying and squabbling mini Kagura and Shinpachi are sat at Gintoki’s foot, both using one arm to cling onto Gintoki’s leg while the other is preoccupied by pulling the other’s hair.

He’s sure he’s hallucinating, the influence of alcohol messing with his mind. He considers going to sleep, mumbling to himself about this being “a nightmare to quit his drinking habits”, but it’s all for naught as Kagura squeezes his leg so hard he’s sure it’ll snap in half.

“D-dad,” Shinpachi wails, pointing an accusatory finger at Kagura, “She hit me!”

Kagura retorts by sticking her tongue out, yelling a high pitched “Did not!” at him.

It carries on between the two of them, yelling and whacking of chubby hands against his legs as they try to attack each other, he, however, pays this no attention.

Gintoki has a sudden revelation. Fingers gripping his hair, he repeats the word Shinpachi said to him over and over again.

“D-d-dad? Me? No...” He looks down towards the two fighting toddlers, his stomach suddenly churning, “Them? N-no way.”

Gulping, he squats down to their level, patting both children’s heads. Both kid’s turn to look at him, Kagura with a thumb in her mouth and Shinpachi still clinging onto his leg.

“Oi, oi, why don’t we try getting along...” he suggests, watching as his try at a truce fails as both kids quickly tackle him to the ground.

“Play with us!” they screech, both hopping on top of him as they hit their hands against his legs and stomach.

With two kids squealing and running around him, tugging at his sleeves for the attention they desire, he goes for the next best thing; help. He panics, not knowing where he should go first. If he goes to the old hag at this time, he’s sure to get a _shit_ ton of scolding, which is something he does not want contributing to his headache.

There is a screech, Gintoki’s not sure if it came from his own mouth or from the kids, and pain erupts in his leg. He looks down, only to find Kagura somehow latched onto his leg. He shakes his leg, trying to get her off, but to no avail. There’s another weird sensation and he quickly looks at Shinpachi, who somehow managed to grab hold of his bokken. The kid swings it around, and it hits the table and whatever had been on it, comes flying across the room and breaks with a loud crack.

“Ah!” he screams when Shinpachi runs towards him with the bokken aimed at him. Gintoki dodges just in time and yanks his sword away from Shinpachi’s grasp. Kagura sinks her tiny teeth deeper into his leg and he yelps out in pain. He’s sure that drew blood. How can someone with so little teeth and so small inflict so much pain?

Shinpachi cries, as his chubby hands try to get the bokken back and Kagura, somehow managed to climb on Gintoki’s back and is now pulling at his hair, her tiny fingers digging hard onto his scalp.

“Enough!” Gintoki shouts in the most demanding tone he could summon, which only led to the two kids screaming so loud, he is sure the whole neighbourhood heard them.

Gintoki is in the process of trying to get rid of Kagura off his back all the while swaying his hips away so that his bokken is not in within of Shinpachi’s nimble hands when a loud knocking – more like banging – comes on his door.

“Open up! Hey, perm head! You’re disturbin’ the neighbours!” a familiar voice comes shouting followed by another rapid knocking. “If you don’t fuckin’ open this door, I’m breaking it down!”

The loud knocking seems to have made Kagura and Shinpachi settle down and hide behind Gintoki, eyeing the door. Kagura tugs at his leg and he looks down only to see her give him the biggest puppy dog eyes ever.

“Oi! Are you openin’ this door or what?” comes the voice again. Now that the two has settled down, Gintoki finally recognizes who the voice belongs to and that guy in particular is the last person he wants to deal with right now.

He hears the sound of a sword being unsheathed and he bolts towards the door, quickly sliding it open. Even if Gintoki does not want to see him, much less _deal_ with him, he does not want to have problems.

“What?” he asks coolly, leaning against the door frame to prevent him from coming inside.

“Didn’t ya hear me the first time? I said you were disturbin’ the neighbours,” Hijikata glares at him, crossing his arms against his chest. “Quit makin’ a ruckus.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll be more careful,” he waves his hand around dismissively, but Hijikata only continues to glare at him.

“Where’re your kids?” he juts out his chin towards Gintoki’s back, and rolls on the balls of his feet, trying to get a better look inside his apartment.

“Sleeping,” Gintoki says, pulling the door closer towards him so only the space between his head and the door was visible. But Hijikata only remains looking at him with an accusatory stare. “What? Don’t you have anything better to do than harass civilians?”

A vein pops on Hijikata’s forehead, indicating that Gintoki has hit a nerve. He is also biting down hard on his cigarette, which means he’s about to explode and say something witty to him. But Hijikata never gets the chance because a scream escapes Gintoki’s throat when Shinpachi stabs his toe with something sharp. He pivots on his heel only to receive a kick to the face by none other than Kagura.

“Shit!” Hijikata dives away from Gintoki as he comes flying backwards due to Kagura’s kick.

She giggles innocently, and let out a high-pitched shriek that would have woken up the entire neighbourhood if Hijikata didn’t clamp his hand over her mouth.

“Oi, Gintoki, the fuck have you been feeding your kids?! Ah – what the fuck! Gerroff! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!” He pulls his hand away from Kagura and inspects it. There is now a bite mark on the palm of his hand.

Kagura sticks her tongue out at Hijikata, “Your hand smells gross, old man!” and runs back into the apartment, laughing her head off. There is the sound of a lock clicking.

Gintoki and Hijikata look at each other, panic evident in both of their eyes. Gintoki has a bump the size of Kagura’s tiny fist on his head, which made the throbbing even worse.

“The hell did you do with your kids?!” Hijikata points a shaking finger at him.

“I don’t fuckin’ know! I come home and suddenly – BOOM! They turned into little children!”

There is a loud crash followed by crying and Gintoki dashes to his feet, pushing at the door, trying to force it open. He clucks his tongue in frustration and reach for his bokken, only to grab at air. Fuck, Shinpachi had snatched it from him earlier! 

“O-Oi, hand me your sword, will you?” Gintoki turns to Hijikata, who crinkles his nose in distaste at him. Another crash. “There’s no fuckin’ time! Hand me your fuckin’ sword!” And just like that, he snatches it from Hijikata and whacks it at the lock.

“Gimme back my sword, oi! I’ll arrest you for stealing from an officer!”

“Arrest me later!” he barks at Hijikata, “Do you want those two to fuckin’ kill each other?!” With one final whack, the door comes free and he barges inside, rushing straight towards Kagura and Shinpachi.

“D-Dad!” Shinpachi hiccups, running towards Gintoki, or at least _tries_ to because Kagura then throws something in his direction.

“Oi!” he shouts at Kagura, who cackles as she runs away. “Stop, oi, Kagura!” Gintoki chases her.

“Dad?” Hijikata says in disbelief from the entrance.

“Quit standin’ there and help me, you asshole!” Gintoki barks at him, now shaking Kagura off his leg and limping towards Shinpachi before the two make any other collateral damage.

Hijikata freezes, hesitates for a few seconds, then quickly sweeps Shinpachi in his arms and carries him on his back. He is confused, Hijikata does not know how to fucking _deal_ with children, much less Gintoki’s kids.

“Gah! Get her off m’fucking LEG!” Gintoki screams the word out when he stumbles forward because Kagura sinks her teeth in his calf and squeezes. He probably has a shit ton of bite marks from Kagura alone.

Hijikata rushes towards Gintoki and pries Kagura off Gintoki, but his efforts are for naught because Shinpachi suddenly grabs a handful of his hair and pulls so hard Hijikata thinks his hair will fall out.

“I’m hungry,” Kagura whines, squeezing Gintoki’s leg even tighter. He grunts out in pain, trying to pry her arms off him.

“Kagura, Kagura,” Gintoki starts, voice sounding too sweet, “If you let me go, before my leg snaps in half, I’ll get you sukonbu.”

Kagura shakes her head against his leg, mumbling something about “eating with her papis and big brother”. This, however, makes Hijikata and Gintoki blink, pointing a shaky finger at the other as they repeat the word “Papi” at each other.

Shinpachi hops off of Hijikata’s back, tugging at his pants, with Kagura in tow tugging at Gintoki’s sleeve.

“Let’s go!” they yell, both tugging Hijikata and Gintoki out of the apartment and to the nearest restaurant. Seeing no way out of this, they allow the two trouble makers to drag them wherever they go.

“You owe me for this,” Hijikata grumbles under his breath as he lights up a cigarette. Gintoki grabs the cigar from his mouth and chucks it on the ground.

“No smoking in front of the kids,” he says in response to the angry look Hijikata gave him.

A tug on Gintoki’s sleeve makes him look down, only to find Shinpachi with his hands up. He tries to ignore him and continues walking forward, wherever their legs take them, though he isn’t sure any restaurants are open at this time. Shinpachi proceeds tugging at his yukata and Gintoki clucks his tongue, leaving him with no choice but to carry him. The kid giggles and wraps his arms around Gintoki’s neck. He then glances at Hijikata, who seems to be even _more_ conflicted than he is.

“She’s askin’ you to carry her, ya know,” Gintoki points out.

Hijikata huffs, picking up a squealing Kagura, who nuzzles her face into his neck and proceeds to yawn.

“Papi, I’m sleepy,” she wraps her arms around his neck, her legs propped up by his arm.

“Oi, kid, make up ya damned mind,” he scowls, which makes her giggle and pat his cheek with her chubby hand.

“I’ll sleep after you feed me,” she mumbles, nuzzling her face in the crook of Hijikata’s neck. He flushes.

“Stop calling me papi, would ya,” he says, awkwardly patting her head, “I don’t want kids, and much less with _that_ guy.”

Gintoki snaps back, trying to seize up on Hijikata. “What are you saying I’d be a bad father? Am I not good enough to be a father, _Hi-ji-ka-ta?_ ”

“Papi! I wanna eat there!” Kagura points to a nearby snack shop. As Gintoki suspected though, the shop is closed and he sighs.

“It’s closed,” Hijikata says and Kagura’s eyes well up with tears. “Shit! A-Ah, d-don’t..cry…?” he tries to reassure, but fails terribly. He looks to Gintoki, who sniffs haughtily at him.

He glares at Gintoki, now completely clueless about how he should handle Kagura. How he even got dragged into this is fucking _beyond_ him, but now that he is here, Hijikata can’t exactly leave Gintoki with two squabbling children. He knows the perm head can probably handle it by himself, but..he just couldn’t leave. He _is_ the police, it’s his job to help civilians.

Hijikata puts Kagura down and kneels so that he is eye-level with her. With the gentlest voice he can summon, he tells her, “P-Papi’ll cook for ya, alright, kid?”

“You? Cook?” Gintoki snorts. “The only thing you can cook is that fuckin’ dog food - what was it called? Katsudon Hijikata special?”

“Shut the fuck up!” Hijikata barks, sweeping Kagura back into his arms. “Mayonnaise is omnipotent, ya fuckin’ hear me?!”

“I hear ya,” Gintoki says, rubbing a tired Shinpachi’s back, “Just don’t want the kids to end up on My Strange Addiction explaining their addiction for mayonnaise.”

Hijikata just tsks at him, muffling his yawn with his hand as they keep walking downtown and Kagura whines about wanting to eat something.

“You know, if they’re still like this tomorrow, don’t expect me to help,” he says.

“Wasn’t planning on it,” Gintoki replies. “Let’s head back. Doesn’t seem like any shops are open.”

Shinpachi wriggles around in Gintoki’s arms, legs swaying around as Gintoki sets him down. Rubbing his eyes he grips Gintoki’s hand in one of his own and starts pulling him towards Hijikata and Kagura.

“Now, now, Shinpachi, you’re tired, please do-”

Shinpachi grabs Hijikata’s free hand and starts swinging his arms, giggling while Gintoki and Hijikata stare at him dumbfoundedly.

“Now I get to walk with both my dads, and Kagura too,” Shinpachi’s got a smile that puts the street lights in the bustling Kabuki district to shame.

Kagura starts swinging her legs too and Hijikata’s arm is cramping, so he puts her down as well. She squeezes herself in between Shinpachi and him and holds both of their hands. Hijikata flushes as he watches Gintoki smile down at the kids.

“We’re like a big, happy family!” Kagura says in a cute voice. Gintoki and Hijikata make eye-contact, though it is accidental, and Gintoki’s smile is bright, and Hijikata knows he has never seen him make an expression like that.

“Y-yeah, I guess you're right, kid,” Hijikata scratches his cheek, turning his head to the side.

“Papi, are we still going to eat?” Kagura asks, looking at Gintoki with hopeful eyes.

“Mm? Yeah. I’ll make your favourite - tamagoyaki.”

“Yay!” she lets out a high-pitched giggle that echoes through the whole district.

They walk in the direction of the apartment and Hijikata’s hand feels sweaty. He is never good with kids, he’s too moody and grumpy. Children usually run away from him, and he’s glad the feeling is mutual. They’re too much to handle, too naughty, too _noisy_ , and they’re a pain in the ass. So times like this, however nervous or grumpy he is, Hijikata’s glad Gintoki is with him  because everyone seems to like the sugar freak. And that sometimes comes in either a huge convenience or inconvenience.

Kagura gives him a funny look, accompanied by her quickly letting go of his and Shinpachi’s hand, tugging Shinpachi in front of them with her. Puzzled, Shinpachi only watches as Kagura tugs at Gintoki’s and Hijikata’s hands before placing their hands into one another's.

“There!” she says, hands on her hips and an unwavering glint in her eyes.

Shinpachi flushes, waving his hands around as he tugs Kagura forwards, telling her something along the lines of “D-don’t ruin their date!”

Hijikata slightly moves to take his hand back, but Gintoki only grips it tighter. He’s sure his whole face is red now.

“W-What are you doing?” He eyes their now intertwined hands together. Gintoki doesn’t seem to be fazed by this, just continues holding his hand and _fuck_ , he moves even closer to Hijikata so their shoulders were touching.

“Don’t let go, it keeps them happy, see?” he points at Kagura and Shinpachi who are giggling and teasing them, yelling things like ‘love birds!’ and of course, this only makes Hijikata blush.

“Don't get the wrong idea, okay?” Hijikata says, although barely noticeable, he feels Gintoki’s hand loosen around his. His hand, which he notes is all sweaty, feels empty.

He grips Gintoki’s hand this time, face flushed, head looking straight forward.

“That doesn't mean you should let go or loosen up, idiot,” if he could, he'd wring his own neck for saying something like _that_ to _him_. Gintoki chuckles and Hijikata really wants to knock that smug expression off his face.

They round a corner, the Yorozuya apartment now visible. Gintoki doesn’t let go of Hijikata’s hand and something pools in his gut, something he can’t pinpoint. Kagura and Shinpachi walk in front of each other, Kagura’s hands on Shinpachi’s shoulder and they walk in a straight line.

“Choo, choo!” Kagura makes a weird noise that makes Gintoki laugh and Hijikata, _god fucking dammit_ , his heart feels like it’s going to burst.

Gintoki feels Hijikata’s hand tighten around his, his lips twitching into a playful smirk as he starts to swing their arms.

“Hijikata, it'll be a problem if you fell for me,” he begins, voice low enough so the kids don't hear him, but Hijikata does, “It'd be a pain fighting for each other, don't you think?”

“Don’t talk shit, that’ll never happen in a million years.” But even as he says it, Hijikata’s heart is already hammering against his rib cage. This man is so fucking smooth, goddamn him and his atrocious smile and his fucking _way_ with words. That really pisses him off.

“Papi,” Kagura wails, which snaps both adults back to reality, “I’m tired, are we home yet?”

Gintoki squats down to Kagura’s level, ruffles her hair and smiles, the action’s making Hijikata’s heart do backflips (what the fuck is the meaning of that?) and he swears he wants nothing more than to just leave and go back to the confines of his own room. Although, the thought of Gintoki alone with him, in his room, crosses his mind and he instantly shakes any thought away.

“We’re almost there,” Gintoki says.

Kagura grabs his free hand and pulls him in the direction of the apartment, shouting, “hurry up!” and his other hand that’s holding Hijikata’s own is now gone and he tries not to show his disappointment on his face.

But Gintoki just looks back at Hijikata with the same smile he gave Kagura, although there's something different this time and he can't tell what it is.

“Hijikata, don't miss me too much,” Hijikata scowls at the smile Gintoki flashes him, quickly grabbing hold of Shinpachi and hoisting him into his arms after the other two.

Hijikata sighs. He really wants a smoke right now, he needs it, otherwise he’ll lose his shit. He also needs to go back to the barracks, he can’t imagine how much paperwork he has piled up on his table, and his shift is almost over, though it already ended for him when Gintoki dragged him into this mess.

They go up the stairs, the wooden planks making creaking noises beneath their feet. Fucking _finally_ , they reached the apartment, Hijikata thought he would never be able to crawl back into his comfort zone that’s his room back in the Shinsengumi barracks, he thought he would never be able to go back home.

The kids drag their feet inside, yawning as Gintoki slides the door shut. Setting them down on the couch, Hijikata is about to say his farewells and block this experience from his mind when Shinpachi and Kagura grab hold of his hands.

“Dad,” they say in union, “please lay with us tonight.” Hijikata is doomed when they give him the biggest puppy dog eyes their sleepy selves can muster. He wants to run away, because fuck it, this is not what he has in mind after walking them. Where’s Gintoki? That asshole _left_ at the worst time.

“U-Uh-” he stammers, he doesn’t know what to say. He’s never stayed over in someone else’s house, much less this fucker’s house, and it’s not something he wants to do because it’s out of his comfort zone.

Gintoki comes back out from somewhere a few minutes later, and he’s holding a bowl in either one of his hands. Kagura and Shinpachi’s eyes widen, their grip loosen on Hijikata’s wrist and they _pounce_ on the bowl of food that Gintoki brought them. He takes this an opportunity, and he steps back, massaging the joints of his shoulders and wrists.

“I should go,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.

“Didn’t you hear the kids?” Gintoki gestures towards the couch. “Sit back down.”

“Papi will lay with us, right?” Kagura says, a mouthful of food stuffed into her mouth.

Hijikata sighs in defeat, sitting back down, head faced upwards to stare at the ceiling. It's cracked.

“Fine, but just for tonight.” he says, eyelids feeling heavy.

Kagura and Shinpachi bounce in their seats on the floor, scarfing down the food, only to have Gintoki scold them about slowing down, and leave their dirty dishes on the table to clamber up on either side of Hijikata on the couch. Snuggling into his side, Hijikata awkwardly puts his arms around them as he watches them cosy up to him.

Gintoki’s disappeared again - seriously, where does he go to? - and Hijikata’s feeling exhausted. He hasn’t really done much, except walk outside and shout at the kids and Gintoki for being too noisy. Well, he _has_ been stationed outside for hours, doing his usual patrol, so maybe that too is contributing to his exhaustion. He also realizes he has a headache, and though all he needs at the moment is sleep, he wants a smoke.

Gintoki comes back and he’s wearing his favourite pajamas. He still doesn’t quite understand how Kagura and Shinpachi turned into toddlers - maybe it’s the work of the Fates, but he doesn’t really believe in that bullshit. He’s already readied the futon for the three for them to sleep in, he figures Hijikata will be gone when the kids have fallen deep into sleep, anyway.

To say he's surprised that Hijikata is still there, even when the kids have fallen asleep, is an understatement. But, the fact that Hijikata is fast asleep with them cuddled up against his side makes the tips of his mouth turn upwards. He really doesn’t want to disturb them, but their position looks really uncomfortable and knowing Hijikata, he’ll probably be grumpy as fuck when he wakes up in the morning and his body aches from discomfort.

“Hijikata,” he whispers quietly, careful not to wake the kids. He gives a light shake on his leg.

“W-What?” he mumbles in his sleep, “D-Did I find the entrance to Mayo Kingdom yet?” Then the fucking idiot resumes snoring.

“Stupid Mayora,” Gintoki chuckles. Hijikata’s already fast asleep again, and he’s drooling a little bit. Smiling sadistically, he fishes around his pockets for his phone and dishes it out. He’s sure Hijikata will give him a beating for this, probably murder his ass and arrest him, but Gintoki can’t help it. He snaps the picture and emails it to Sougo with the caption of, “This is the face your Demon Vice-Captain makes when he’s asleep. Look, he’s even drooling a bit!” Gintoki snaps another photo, but this time with Hijikata’s phone, and makes it his wallpaper.

Gintoki sighs in content, running a hand over his messy hair. It looks like there’s no way he can wake Hijikata up without disturbing the kids. He stands up, goes over to his closet in his room and pulls out a blanket. Kagura and Shinpachi curled up like that against Hijikata make Gintoki happy and just _pleased_ in a way he can’t describe. Maybe it’s because he’s never seen him like this, Hijikata, who’s usually timid and angry all the time, look really vulnerable, innocent and peaceful, though he’s far from that while awake.

He goes back to the living room and puts the blanket over the three of them. The sight is enough to make Gintoki’s heart melt and he wants to _savour_ the memory. Smiling to himself, he squeezes himself next to Kagura, who is sound asleep and her head resting on Hijikata’s lap.

Body tensing up at the sudden noise, he quickly eases back in place as he hears Hijikata’s tired yet annoyed voice drift through the room.

“What took ya so long, damned perm head,” he starts to drift off again, a small smile lingering on his face that makes Gintoki’s chest tighten.

“Nothing, just go back to sleep, stupid mayora.”  
  
And just like that, Gintoki falls asleep.


End file.
